You won't relent until You have it all
My heart is Yours
I'll set You as a seal upon my heart, as a seal upon my arm
For there is love that is as strong as death,
jealousy demanding as the grave
And many waters cannot quench this love
My heart is Yours
Come be the fire inside of me
Come be the flame upon my heart
Come be the fire inside of me
Until You and I are one
(Misty Edwards)
Take my life and let it be consecrated, Lord, to Thee.
Take my moments and my days let them flow in ceaseless praise.
Take my hands and let them move at the impulse of Thy love.
Take my feet and let them be swift and beautiful for Thee.
Take my voice and let me sing always only for my King.
Take my lips and let them be filled with messages from Thee.
Take my silver and my gold not a mite would I withhold.
Take my intellect and use every power as You choose.
Take my will and make it Thine; it shall be no longer mine.
Take my heart it is Thine own; it shall be Thy royal throne.
Take my love, my Lord I pour at Your feet its treasure store.
Take myself and I will be ever, only all for Thee.
Here am I, all of me - take my life, it's all for Thee.
(Frances Havergal/Chris Tomlin)
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Being loved is hard. (More thoughts from The Shack)
Maybe some people are going to read that title and think, "Gee, Stina, that is really lame. Being loved isn't hard! You don't have to do anything! Loving is hard, but being loved isn't!" Okay. But I might start praying for you to get loved a little more if that's really how you feel!
The thing that makes being loved - truly loved, like agape loved - so hard is that you can never do anything to earn it. You'd think that would make it easier, wouldn't you? You'd think it would be easier to be loved unconditionally than to be loved based on what you do. So why isn't it? Why is it that I feel sort of crippled somehow by unconditional love? Why is it that I so often don't believe it, or even at times run away from it?
Because of one of Satan's favorite tricks. He likes to tell us that it is more valuable to be loved for what we've done or how "great" we are than to be loved just because. Think about it: If someone - say, your mom - tells you that you did a great job at something - say, singing - do you receive that the same way as if, say, a really talented musician tells you that you're a great singer? No. Your mom would probably tell you that no matter what, but the musician? He or she will only say that if they actually think you're good. Now complimenting someone and loving someone are totally different things, but I do the same thing when it comes to love. I feel really good about myself when I think, "Wow, so-and-so really loves me because they think I'm awesome and do awesome things. I must be awesome." And my pride grows, and I'm "happy" because I feel like I've earned something great that I really deserve. We humans like to boost our egos.
But what happens when someone really loves you just, well, because they do? When someone can look at all the filth and mess in your life and say, "Wow, I really love her!"? I don't know what happens to you, but I tend to think, "Great. Where's the part about me being awesome?"
The other thing Satan does is push us to try to "earn" that kind of "love" from higher and higher "authorities." I want so-and-so to think I'm awesome, and then so-and-so-who's-even-cooler to think I'm awesome, and so on. I start "loving" cooler people because I want them to think I'm awesome, not because I genuinely desire relationship. Case in point: I don't know about you, but I think pretty highly of God. I mean, He is pretty much "the man" (and much more!). So the PINNACLE of awesomeness would be for someone sooooooo great and awesome like God to think that I'm awesome.
Problem? He already does. He did before I was born. Gee. Thanks. All that stuff I did to impress Him? Nope. Doesn't change it. All the filth in my heart, and the mistakes that I've made, and the times I've failed? Doesn't change it either (thankfully). I'm still awesome in His eyes and there's nothing I can do about it.
Here is where I have gotten love all wrong. I've made it about me, and not about the Source of love. I value love based on how much it makes me feel good about myself, rather than based on how valuable the love itself is. Several years ago when I was teaching science camp for K-3rd graders, I had this kid in my class whom I adored named Jae-Suk. He was ridiculously cute, sweet, and funny and I could go on and on about him but that's another story. I also had another kid in my class who was not so cute, not so sweet, and usually not very funny, and I had a really hard time with him. His name was Isaac. Somehow, I knew I wasn't supposed to have favorites, but Isaac just didn't come close to Jae-Suk. How could I love him anyway?
Somehow, God did a work in my heart and after awhile, I really did love him. Not because he was cute, or sweet, or funny, but I just loved him. He brightened my day just like Jae-Suk did. But it didn't make me love Jae-Suk less. In fact, I started realizing that I probably loved Jae-Suk even more than before, because it became fathomable to me that I would love Jae-Suk even if he wasn't as adorable as he was. That kind of love took a lot more effort, which I suddenly realized meant that it was worth more, not less, than the love I had for "favorites."
The love of someone who only loves the "lovable" people is nowhere near as precious and costly as the love of someone who loves unconditionally. Our world would tell us otherwise, but it is true and I've had to learn and re-learn it so many times. And this is why we know that real love - agape love - comes from God, because His love is the most precious and costly of all. He looked at a bunch of human beings whom He created out of His own pleasure, who had turned against Him and become far filthier than we realize, and said, "I love them so much, I'm going to let my Son endure more pain and torment than they can imagine so that they can be Mine again."
What does any of this have to do with The Shack? There's this really cool scene (pgs. 187-188) where God/"Papa" allows Mack to realize why he hides behind lies - in particular, why he didn't tell his wife about the note he received from God. He justified it to himself with the thought that he was protecting her, that it would've hurt her too much to hear about it, but really, he was protecting himself from his own fear of emotions. Papa allows him to realize that if he hadn't lied to her, she might have been there with him at that moment. The inference there is that his lie kept her away from the blessings he received, but I also see that he kept himself away from the blessing of having her by his side when he returned to such a painful place. She might've gone with him to that dark and lonely place if he had let her.
On Sunday, my pastor was preaching about how God uses our experiences to reach others, and he mentioned some things he had struggled with and how he had been able to bless and be blessed by others who had shared similar struggles. One struggle he happened to mention was - guess what - something I struggled with too! And I had purposely refused to tell him about it for a lot of dumb, fake reasons. I realized that if I had told him, maybe he would've been able to help me through it! (I'm not trying to say you have to tell your pastor everything. But my pastor is more than just my pastor. I am close enough to him and his wife that telling them was more of a default than not telling them.)
That night at small group, his wife and I were talking about The Shack, especially about that scene and how we often project onto others who we think they are or how they are going to respond in a way that we know isn't true. In a later conversation she happened to mention that a kid I went to high school with lost his mom awhile ago, and how bad she felt because she didn't even hear about it until much later and couldn't have done anything. I realized that maybe she would've wanted to "do something" for me too. I mean, my mom didn't die or anything, but there have definitely been times I've chosen to hold back when I otherwise wouldn't because... I thought they would judge me? I thought they wouldn't care? Because I was afraid of rejection? Because I was afraid of looking weak? Afraid of getting too close?
I decided I had to do something about this because I do this to them so much that I could barely discern what was actually true anymore. So we got together and talked, and it was so freeing and healing, just like it was for Mack in the book. And the greatest thing I think I took away from it is that I do not have to impress them, they love me just as I am. They will keep loving me no matter what I do. That is really really cool. It's definitely not normal by human standards.
We do not have a God who wants us to impress Him. We have a God who loves us already and wants the best for us. He pushes us to do great things because doing great things is really really cool and awesome for all who are involved. He is not impressed when I do something good; He is happy for me that I got to partake in His joy by living the way He meant for me to live. And when I screw up? He's right there too, loving me through the messes I make and helping me clean them up. That love is so much more beautiful, valuable, powerful and precious than the "love" that is based on myself and my need to feel "awesome." All I have to do is receive it!
Saturday, June 28, 2008
What I think about The Shack (so far)
I just finished reading The Shack and I liked it. I'm not done thinking through it - and its impact on the those who read it - but here are my initial thoughts.
First I will give a little bit of context though. My pastor told me about this book a few months ago, and how it was amazing and I had to read it. By the time I got home from school, basically my whole church had read it and it was all people were talking about. The small group I'm sort of in at church which is led by my pastor is planning to give out copies of the book to friends outside the church and then invite them to a sort of book-club discussion afterward. My church is crazy about this book.
I also knew that a lot of people - including some big-wig theologians - had criticized it pretty sharply. I didn't read their criticisms until after reading the book for myself.
Now, my thoughts?
1. The book speaks some shocking words of truth that are rarely touched upon in right-wing conservative Christian circles (like the South). It takes the emphasis off "being a Christian," "getting saved" and following rules and places the emphasis on God's greatness and grace. One thing I was especially happy to see - and happy that my right-wing church was reading! - was that political paradigms are challenged and readers are reminded that Christ's followers will come from every tribe, every nation - out of* every major world religion, every world culture, out of every political party...
*The key here is "out of" - this is something the book could've made a little clearer. I got what the author was trying to say in the bit about Jesus Himself not having been a "Christian," but the author leaves something potentially confusing (especially to those who have been in one spiritual box for most of their lives) a little too wishy-washy. In fact, I think misunderstanding of what the author wrote is a large reason for much of the criticism the book has received. More on that later. It is important that Christ's followers will come out of all of these worldly groups - you cannot be a Christ-follower and still be, for example, a Muslim, though you can (and must!) still love Muslims - just as you cannot be a Christian and still go on sinning at will. It is also important that these people who come out of every earthly "nation" will not come into anything more than the love of Christ and the joy of life with our Creator. They will not come out of those groups and come into the country club of right-wing "Christian"-ity and start voting Republican and doing everything like we in the Bible Belt do.
2. The book gives great insight, but is not the most well-written book I've ever read. One article I read about the book used the term "awkward prose," and I feel that I have to agree with that description at least of certain sections - like the one I just mentioned. This is unfortunate, because I think the book could be even better if some things were smoothed out. By no means do I think Young is a bad writer - I just think the book could've used a little more steam-lining and sophistication from a literary point of view. That is only my opinion though. No two readers read the same way.
3. I have not spent a huge amount of time reading the critiques of the book yet, but the bulk of the criticism I have read of the book left me with the impression that the critic did not actually understand what the author was saying. Now we can debate about whether that is the author's fault or not, and I do believe that authors have a huge responsibility, especially when approaching subjects of such magnitude as the God of the Universe Himself, to make every effort to ensure that readers understand what he really meant. Authors have an obligation to put themselves in their readers' shoes and adapt their writing accordingly. But some of the criticism seems to simply reveal people's ignorance and lack of attention to the writing.
Example: People have a problem with God being portrayed as a Black woman. First of all, I have no idea why anyone has a problem with Him being portrayed as Black. God isn't white either. (We know Jesus' "race" but not the Father's!) Secondly, the book very clearly does not say that God is a woman! It very clearly says that God is genderless and that both genders carry aspects of His nature. He chooses to reveal Himself to Mack as a woman because He knows it will be most helpful for Mack's understanding. And no one mentions the fact that later, He does appear as a man!!!!!!! (*Side note: The Holy Spirit appearing as an Asian woman named Sarayu is a little weird to me. I don't find anything wrong in it, it just seems strange and I'm not clear why the author made that choice.)
Second example: The USA Today article stated that many critics say it "promotes a wrong-headed view of universal salvation." "Papa" (God) does tell Mack that through Jesus He has reconciled the entire world to Himself. But He immediately clarifies that "reconciliation is a two-way street, and I [God] have done my part, totally, completely, finally. It is not the nature of love to force a relationship but it is the nature of love to open the way." (pg. 192) We can debate the truth of that statement/portrayal, but one cannot argue that the books promotes the idea of universal salvation. The author has made that pretty clear. "Papa" later says, "Forgiveness does not establish a relationship. In Jesus, I have forgiven all humans for their sins against me, but only some choose relationship." (pg 225) Again, we can debate whether this statement is true, but we really cannot stick the "universal salvation" label on it. It does not say what happens to those who are forgiven but do not enter into relationship. The underlying assumption, however, seems to be that entering into relationship is salvation, not just being forgiven. And since only some choose relationship, the logical conclusion is that the author conveys that only some will be saved.
4. The one thing that appears to be missing is God's wrath. One critic had a problem with the absence of anything indicating that sin will be punished, as we are told in the Bible. I can see that, but on the other hand, I believe that when we really get a hold of who God is and how marvelous the life we are intended to have with Him really is, talk of punishment isn't really necessary. We do not serve a God of arbitrary rules and commands who is just trying to make life difficult. We serve a God who is trying to help us experience the fullness of life and avoid the pain of sin! A child who touches a hot stove after being told not to touch it doesn't need to be punished - the burn on his hand is "punishment" enough. Sin is nothing more than believing the lie that something apart from God can make us happy. It can't. It will make us miserable. And thus it is in itself the "punishment." Mack's time with God is so amazing that God doesn't need to talk about punishing him if he chooses to miss out on it. Missing out on it is the punishment!
5. These things might go without saying, but as great as the book is, we have to be careful. We must not confuse it with the Bible and with personal communication with God Himself through prayer, worship, etc. And we must not cease to test it against the Word of God.
Many proponents of the book have responded to the theological criticisms by saying that The Shack is not a "doctrinal" book, but this is very dangerous! Any portrayal of God contains elements of theology and doctrine, and if that portrayal is inaccurate, it will affect our own beliefs. We must not allow ourselves to fall in love with a depiction of God that is inaccurate. Any depiction will of course be incomplete, but if any falsehood has crept into a depiction, ignoring the falsehood will only lead us astray.
I might come back and write more about the book later. I definitely recommend reading it, although - as with any book! - I recommend careful scrutiny and testing against the Word of God.
First I will give a little bit of context though. My pastor told me about this book a few months ago, and how it was amazing and I had to read it. By the time I got home from school, basically my whole church had read it and it was all people were talking about. The small group I'm sort of in at church which is led by my pastor is planning to give out copies of the book to friends outside the church and then invite them to a sort of book-club discussion afterward. My church is crazy about this book.
I also knew that a lot of people - including some big-wig theologians - had criticized it pretty sharply. I didn't read their criticisms until after reading the book for myself.
Now, my thoughts?
1. The book speaks some shocking words of truth that are rarely touched upon in right-wing conservative Christian circles (like the South). It takes the emphasis off "being a Christian," "getting saved" and following rules and places the emphasis on God's greatness and grace. One thing I was especially happy to see - and happy that my right-wing church was reading! - was that political paradigms are challenged and readers are reminded that Christ's followers will come from every tribe, every nation - out of* every major world religion, every world culture, out of every political party...
*The key here is "out of" - this is something the book could've made a little clearer. I got what the author was trying to say in the bit about Jesus Himself not having been a "Christian," but the author leaves something potentially confusing (especially to those who have been in one spiritual box for most of their lives) a little too wishy-washy. In fact, I think misunderstanding of what the author wrote is a large reason for much of the criticism the book has received. More on that later. It is important that Christ's followers will come out of all of these worldly groups - you cannot be a Christ-follower and still be, for example, a Muslim, though you can (and must!) still love Muslims - just as you cannot be a Christian and still go on sinning at will. It is also important that these people who come out of every earthly "nation" will not come into anything more than the love of Christ and the joy of life with our Creator. They will not come out of those groups and come into the country club of right-wing "Christian"-ity and start voting Republican and doing everything like we in the Bible Belt do.
2. The book gives great insight, but is not the most well-written book I've ever read. One article I read about the book used the term "awkward prose," and I feel that I have to agree with that description at least of certain sections - like the one I just mentioned. This is unfortunate, because I think the book could be even better if some things were smoothed out. By no means do I think Young is a bad writer - I just think the book could've used a little more steam-lining and sophistication from a literary point of view. That is only my opinion though. No two readers read the same way.
3. I have not spent a huge amount of time reading the critiques of the book yet, but the bulk of the criticism I have read of the book left me with the impression that the critic did not actually understand what the author was saying. Now we can debate about whether that is the author's fault or not, and I do believe that authors have a huge responsibility, especially when approaching subjects of such magnitude as the God of the Universe Himself, to make every effort to ensure that readers understand what he really meant. Authors have an obligation to put themselves in their readers' shoes and adapt their writing accordingly. But some of the criticism seems to simply reveal people's ignorance and lack of attention to the writing.
Example: People have a problem with God being portrayed as a Black woman. First of all, I have no idea why anyone has a problem with Him being portrayed as Black. God isn't white either. (We know Jesus' "race" but not the Father's!) Secondly, the book very clearly does not say that God is a woman! It very clearly says that God is genderless and that both genders carry aspects of His nature. He chooses to reveal Himself to Mack as a woman because He knows it will be most helpful for Mack's understanding. And no one mentions the fact that later, He does appear as a man!!!!!!! (*Side note: The Holy Spirit appearing as an Asian woman named Sarayu is a little weird to me. I don't find anything wrong in it, it just seems strange and I'm not clear why the author made that choice.)
Second example: The USA Today article stated that many critics say it "promotes a wrong-headed view of universal salvation." "Papa" (God) does tell Mack that through Jesus He has reconciled the entire world to Himself. But He immediately clarifies that "reconciliation is a two-way street, and I [God] have done my part, totally, completely, finally. It is not the nature of love to force a relationship but it is the nature of love to open the way." (pg. 192) We can debate the truth of that statement/portrayal, but one cannot argue that the books promotes the idea of universal salvation. The author has made that pretty clear. "Papa" later says, "Forgiveness does not establish a relationship. In Jesus, I have forgiven all humans for their sins against me, but only some choose relationship." (pg 225) Again, we can debate whether this statement is true, but we really cannot stick the "universal salvation" label on it. It does not say what happens to those who are forgiven but do not enter into relationship. The underlying assumption, however, seems to be that entering into relationship is salvation, not just being forgiven. And since only some choose relationship, the logical conclusion is that the author conveys that only some will be saved.
4. The one thing that appears to be missing is God's wrath. One critic had a problem with the absence of anything indicating that sin will be punished, as we are told in the Bible. I can see that, but on the other hand, I believe that when we really get a hold of who God is and how marvelous the life we are intended to have with Him really is, talk of punishment isn't really necessary. We do not serve a God of arbitrary rules and commands who is just trying to make life difficult. We serve a God who is trying to help us experience the fullness of life and avoid the pain of sin! A child who touches a hot stove after being told not to touch it doesn't need to be punished - the burn on his hand is "punishment" enough. Sin is nothing more than believing the lie that something apart from God can make us happy. It can't. It will make us miserable. And thus it is in itself the "punishment." Mack's time with God is so amazing that God doesn't need to talk about punishing him if he chooses to miss out on it. Missing out on it is the punishment!
5. These things might go without saying, but as great as the book is, we have to be careful. We must not confuse it with the Bible and with personal communication with God Himself through prayer, worship, etc. And we must not cease to test it against the Word of God.
Many proponents of the book have responded to the theological criticisms by saying that The Shack is not a "doctrinal" book, but this is very dangerous! Any portrayal of God contains elements of theology and doctrine, and if that portrayal is inaccurate, it will affect our own beliefs. We must not allow ourselves to fall in love with a depiction of God that is inaccurate. Any depiction will of course be incomplete, but if any falsehood has crept into a depiction, ignoring the falsehood will only lead us astray.
I might come back and write more about the book later. I definitely recommend reading it, although - as with any book! - I recommend careful scrutiny and testing against the Word of God.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Abraham and Isaac
This has become perhaps my favorite story in the Bible (except for maybe the Resurrection... :) the last few months and I've decided I should write about why.
It all started awhile back during the school year when I was applying for the Fulbright teaching thing. When I left Berlin after my year of studying there, I felt pretty confident that I was coming back. Somehow, the place just felt right in a way no other place had felt before - I could really see Berlin as a place God might be calling me. Usually, I fall in love with the people in a certain place, but this was the first time I fell in love with a place itself too. I felt a general call to Germany, but especially Berlin.
I knew about Fulbright and the teaching assistantship program, and this sounded like a slam-dunk. I would get a year away from academia before grad school, get teaching experience, experience Germany's school system, and spend another year in the place that I felt God calling me to (hopefully Berlin, but at the very least, Germany). So I applied, but once I applied, I had this strange feeling like it couldn't just be that easy. I didn't want to just put all my eggs in one basket, and I wanted to be sure that it was really what God wanted me to do, and not just the most obvious thing to do. I prayed a lot about it and told God that if He wanted me to do something else, I would.
After I came back to school from Christmas break I started awakening to the work God was doing in Philadelphia and on Penn's campus. All of a sudden, it seemed like God might be calling me to spend another year in Philadelphia, which had never been anywhere in my plans. Philadelphia had always basically been the city I was passing through on my way to the rest of my life. But suddenly it seemed like it might actually be a place God would ask me to serve. And I was confused. I was happy that God had opened my eyes to what He was doing there, but I battled with feeling torn between two cities. Where did God really want me? I really felt like the call to Berlin was from Him, so why would He call me to Philly too? Why would He call me to two different places? It seemed so contradictory. Needless to say, I pendled back and forth between the two for awhile. I applied for a fellowship in Philadelphia, but didn't get it. Then the prospect of interning with Campus Crusade arose, and I began to imagine myself doing that. And it was hard. The cost was high - not only my own desire to return to the great city of Berlin and to the people I knew there, and to dive into what I thought was my lifelong calling, but also the support and encouragement of so many other people in my life who (I thought) might be disappointed if I turned down the opportunity to go to Berlin. (And all the while, I actually didn't know if I'd gotten Fulbright. That came many months later.)
Somehow, at some point, God brought to mind another time when one of His children was faced with a seemingly contradictory call from God - Abraham's call to sacrifice his son, Isaac, whom he loved, whom God had promised him and who God said would be the father of many nations, as a burnt offering to Him. Why? Why would God ask for the one thing He had given and promised to Abraham? Why would He tell Abraham to sacrifice what He had said would be the fulfillment of His plan? If God said He would bless the world through the offspring of Isaac, why would He tell Abraham to kill him?
There are many reasons why God did this, not the least being a striking foreshadowing of His own sacrifice of His one and only Son, Jesus. It was a test of Abraham's faith. But it also appears to me that God wanted Abraham to be willing to give up everything for God - even the very things that God Himself had promised and called him to. He wanted to Abraham to find his identity in Himself, not in his calling to be the father of many nations, through whom all nations would be blessed.
God wanted me to be willing to give up Germany - even if it was indeed what He was calling me to. He wanted me to find my identity in Him, not in my calling. He wanted me to identify myself as His child and His faithful one, not as Christina who teaches Turkish kids in Berlin, or Christina who does ____ for God. He wanted me to just be His.
In studying this passage in the Beth Moore study The Patriarchs which I am doing this summer (P.S. I love Beth Moore and highly recommend her books and studies!), I came to realize that there are many "Isaacs" we are asked to lay down on God's altar. God routinely asks us to sacrifice the things that are not of Him for the sake of His glory, but do you realize that He asks us to sacrifice things that are of Him too? The other "Isaac" in my own life that was brought to my mind is actually a person, someone I am fully confident is not only a child of God herself, but one that He absolutely wanted me to meet and be in relationship with, and someone who shaped much of my early understanding of my relationship with God. But there came a time - a very difficult time! - when I had to lay her on that altar too, not because she herself was not part of God's plan, but because God wanted me to find my identity in Him, not in her, nor in Him through her. He wanted to be my One and Only, the only foundation I stood on. This time "Isaac" basically got taken from me by force, but it was the same principle: being asked to sacrifice something (or someone) that is good and of Him for the sake of sealing my identity, my hope, my relationship in God alone. And of course, He won't actually take these things or people from us if He doesn't have to - He stopped Abraham from killing Isaac, seeing that his faith in God would lead him to do it if God actually wanted. He did not take that person away from me, though He did greatly change our relationship (for the better!). And He did not take Berlin from me - in fact, despite the odds He gave me exactly what I believed He was calling me to! Berlin, teaching at an immigrant school, even an apartment in Pankow close to my church.......
Praise His Name!
It all started awhile back during the school year when I was applying for the Fulbright teaching thing. When I left Berlin after my year of studying there, I felt pretty confident that I was coming back. Somehow, the place just felt right in a way no other place had felt before - I could really see Berlin as a place God might be calling me. Usually, I fall in love with the people in a certain place, but this was the first time I fell in love with a place itself too. I felt a general call to Germany, but especially Berlin.
I knew about Fulbright and the teaching assistantship program, and this sounded like a slam-dunk. I would get a year away from academia before grad school, get teaching experience, experience Germany's school system, and spend another year in the place that I felt God calling me to (hopefully Berlin, but at the very least, Germany). So I applied, but once I applied, I had this strange feeling like it couldn't just be that easy. I didn't want to just put all my eggs in one basket, and I wanted to be sure that it was really what God wanted me to do, and not just the most obvious thing to do. I prayed a lot about it and told God that if He wanted me to do something else, I would.
After I came back to school from Christmas break I started awakening to the work God was doing in Philadelphia and on Penn's campus. All of a sudden, it seemed like God might be calling me to spend another year in Philadelphia, which had never been anywhere in my plans. Philadelphia had always basically been the city I was passing through on my way to the rest of my life. But suddenly it seemed like it might actually be a place God would ask me to serve. And I was confused. I was happy that God had opened my eyes to what He was doing there, but I battled with feeling torn between two cities. Where did God really want me? I really felt like the call to Berlin was from Him, so why would He call me to Philly too? Why would He call me to two different places? It seemed so contradictory. Needless to say, I pendled back and forth between the two for awhile. I applied for a fellowship in Philadelphia, but didn't get it. Then the prospect of interning with Campus Crusade arose, and I began to imagine myself doing that. And it was hard. The cost was high - not only my own desire to return to the great city of Berlin and to the people I knew there, and to dive into what I thought was my lifelong calling, but also the support and encouragement of so many other people in my life who (I thought) might be disappointed if I turned down the opportunity to go to Berlin. (And all the while, I actually didn't know if I'd gotten Fulbright. That came many months later.)
Somehow, at some point, God brought to mind another time when one of His children was faced with a seemingly contradictory call from God - Abraham's call to sacrifice his son, Isaac, whom he loved, whom God had promised him and who God said would be the father of many nations, as a burnt offering to Him. Why? Why would God ask for the one thing He had given and promised to Abraham? Why would He tell Abraham to sacrifice what He had said would be the fulfillment of His plan? If God said He would bless the world through the offspring of Isaac, why would He tell Abraham to kill him?
There are many reasons why God did this, not the least being a striking foreshadowing of His own sacrifice of His one and only Son, Jesus. It was a test of Abraham's faith. But it also appears to me that God wanted Abraham to be willing to give up everything for God - even the very things that God Himself had promised and called him to. He wanted to Abraham to find his identity in Himself, not in his calling to be the father of many nations, through whom all nations would be blessed.
God wanted me to be willing to give up Germany - even if it was indeed what He was calling me to. He wanted me to find my identity in Him, not in my calling. He wanted me to identify myself as His child and His faithful one, not as Christina who teaches Turkish kids in Berlin, or Christina who does ____ for God. He wanted me to just be His.
In studying this passage in the Beth Moore study The Patriarchs which I am doing this summer (P.S. I love Beth Moore and highly recommend her books and studies!), I came to realize that there are many "Isaacs" we are asked to lay down on God's altar. God routinely asks us to sacrifice the things that are not of Him for the sake of His glory, but do you realize that He asks us to sacrifice things that are of Him too? The other "Isaac" in my own life that was brought to my mind is actually a person, someone I am fully confident is not only a child of God herself, but one that He absolutely wanted me to meet and be in relationship with, and someone who shaped much of my early understanding of my relationship with God. But there came a time - a very difficult time! - when I had to lay her on that altar too, not because she herself was not part of God's plan, but because God wanted me to find my identity in Him, not in her, nor in Him through her. He wanted to be my One and Only, the only foundation I stood on. This time "Isaac" basically got taken from me by force, but it was the same principle: being asked to sacrifice something (or someone) that is good and of Him for the sake of sealing my identity, my hope, my relationship in God alone. And of course, He won't actually take these things or people from us if He doesn't have to - He stopped Abraham from killing Isaac, seeing that his faith in God would lead him to do it if God actually wanted. He did not take that person away from me, though He did greatly change our relationship (for the better!). And He did not take Berlin from me - in fact, despite the odds He gave me exactly what I believed He was calling me to! Berlin, teaching at an immigrant school, even an apartment in Pankow close to my church.......
Praise His Name!
Jesus is more than fire insurance
One thing that always makes me uneasy is when I read a church's or a ministry's statement of faith that includes some sort of definition of who will be saved and who won't or who will go to heaven and who will go to hell. I have not yet read the whole Bible (though I intend to and think this is very important!) but in my reading and studying - particularly of the gospels and of Romans - I have never found a clear, black-and-white definition of who is going where after death.
Don't get me wrong - the Bible does make some promises on this subject. Romans 10:9 "if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved." Mark 3:29 "whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will never be forgiven; he is guilty of an eternal sin." But the Bible does not put every human being in two boxes - the "going to heaven" box and the "going to hell" box. Only some. A large chunk of humanity is not put into either box.
Why would God do this? Why would He leave out this one piece of information that we all want to know?
Because we don't need to know it. Because our human pride would trample all over the Name of God if we started thinking we could judge. The problem? A whole lot of Christians think they can judge.
C.S. Lewis writes in Mere Christianity: "Here is another thing that used to puzzle me. Is it not frightfully unfair that this new life should be confined to people who have heard of Christ and been able to believe in Him? But the truth is God has not told us what His arrangements about the other people are. We do know that no man can be saved except through Christ; we do not know that only those who know Him can be saved through Him."
He goes on to say that since we don't know, the best thing we can do is get on board with God and His mission, become part of the Body of Christ and allow that Body to do the work of the Kingdom - to make disciples. "Getting saved" as we understand it - confessing with our mouths that Jesus is Lord and believing in our hearts that God raised Him from the dead, and putting our trust and our hope for salvation in Him alone - is the best thing we can do if we want eternal life and want it for others too.
But there's another catch: How in the world can I make myself believe something? I don't believe I can. In one way or another, I have to "see" it - I have to have reason to believe. Either that, or someone or something has to supernaturally give me the ability to believe. We can be saved by Jesus through faith. But how do I get faith?
I do believe there is some element of choosing involved, but I cannot make myself have faith. I'm not 100% sure why our faith matters so much to God, but one thing is clear: HE is the ONE who saves. I cannot save myself. I am not saved because of me or because of anything I do (or don't do). I did absolutely nothing to earn it. Even my faith doesn't earn me salvation. It's simply a (perhaps not the only) means by why which God gives it to me.
I believe that Jesus is the Son of God and that His death and resurrection has the power to give eternal life to every single human being that ever lived and ever will live. Whether or not that's what He decides to do with it is His own business, and although it's tough, I trust that He has a really good reason for doing it the way He chooses. And I really think that God chooses to leave us out of this process - to keep this a mystery - because He doesn't want us to start thinking of His Son as fire insurance. Jesus is much more than my "ticket" to heaven.
There was a street preacher at my school this past year who would preach hellfire-and-brimstone every Wednesday to passing college students. He usually had an illustration, often a big picture of flames. (No joke.) I wanted to ask him what makes him think that people are going to become Spirit-filled, fruit-bearing believers out of fear of fire. Does Jesus' awesomeness not outweigh the horror of hell? People are not going to believe that Jesus is awesome unless they encounter Him and see how wonderful He is.
This, I believe, is where we, the Body of Christ, come in. Other people that God wants to save are supposed to see Jesus in us. Some might say that because God wants to save the people around us, we need to evangelize all the time. Others might say that we need to feed the hungry. I think we need to do all of these things. Jesus was not only an evangelist. He was not only a prophet. He was not only a healer. He was not only a teacher. He was all of the above (and much more!). Here's our challenge: Are we, the Body of Christ, doing all of the above? Does the world see Jesus through us? Or does the world look at us and see judges? Fanatics? A bunch of people who are afraid of fire?
Thoughts.
I've decided I'm going to start writing out some of the many things I've put a lot of energy into thinking about lately.
Just FYI.
Just FYI.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Almost there...
A big piece of news: I got Fulbright! I'm really excited, but the waiting isn't over... I still have to find out where they're sending me!
I can breathe a little easier, but it still ain't over... But I am really happy and thankful. God is good. He's going to send me somewhere perfect.
I can breathe a little easier, but it still ain't over... But I am really happy and thankful. God is good. He's going to send me somewhere perfect.
Saturday, April 5, 2008
Meh...
Life is frustrating right now. I have nothing to complain about, I just feel really meh... Namely, I'm finding it really hard to write a senior thesis, and I am sooooooo tired of waiting to hear from Fulbright. Checking the mailbox everyday is getting to be agonizing. I just want to know. I'm also mildly afraid of finding out but having the answer not be what I want it to be, but I still just want to know. My nerves can't take it much longer. And if I don't get it, I want as much time as possible to figure out what else to do.
I got in to NYU grad school (Masters in Education - dual certification for teaching English to speakers of other languages and foreign language education) and I could do that, in theory. But I haven't applied for any scholarships yet, so I don't know how affordable that's going to be. And I haven't really looked anywhere else yet. I don't want to just settle on a grad school because I got in there and didn't apply to anywhere else. Sigh.
Why does waiting suck so much???
And then there's the thesis. I love my topic but for some reason the actual WRITING part is just not happening. I can't get going. Ughhhh.
On the happier side of things, I got to hear the lovely Laura Kaczor sing at Penn this week - Laura is a 2004 Penn (and CCC and Full Measure) alum who lives in Nashville now and is starting up a music career. I'm really in to this one song:
Communion Song
I imagine the day was gray, the sun won't shine on days like this
I imagine the crowd was large, their shouts were loud as they raised their fists
On the day that the Son of God carried the cross to Golgotha
On the day that the Son of God gave His life for the likes of us
I can hear the hammer of the nails that pierced His hands and feet
And sometimes I forget that my sin drove those nails in deep
I can see the thief that hung on the cross that stood right by His side
I can hear when Jesus said, "Today you'll join me in paradise,
"Here is My Body, broken for you
Here is My Blood that was shed, shed for you too
Here is My Body, take and remember Me
Here is My Blood, the Cup of Forgiveness that will set you free"
I can see the soldier standing by the tomb that resurrection morn
But I cannot imagine the blinding glory of our risen Lord
He is not here, oh no, He is risen just as He said
Now go and spread the news of Jesus Christ who conquered death
"Here is My Body, broken for you
Here is My Blood that was shed, shed for you too
Here is My Body, take and remember Me
Here is My Blood, the Cup of Forgiveness that will set you free"
When I break the bread and drink the cup at the table of the Lord
I'm reminded of love's sacrifice, where the broken are restored, are restored
"Here is My Body, broken for you
Here is My Blood that was shed, shed for you too
Here is My Body, take and remember Me
Here is My Blood, the Cup of Forgiveness that will set you free"
I got in to NYU grad school (Masters in Education - dual certification for teaching English to speakers of other languages and foreign language education) and I could do that, in theory. But I haven't applied for any scholarships yet, so I don't know how affordable that's going to be. And I haven't really looked anywhere else yet. I don't want to just settle on a grad school because I got in there and didn't apply to anywhere else. Sigh.
Why does waiting suck so much???
And then there's the thesis. I love my topic but for some reason the actual WRITING part is just not happening. I can't get going. Ughhhh.
On the happier side of things, I got to hear the lovely Laura Kaczor sing at Penn this week - Laura is a 2004 Penn (and CCC and Full Measure) alum who lives in Nashville now and is starting up a music career. I'm really in to this one song:
Communion Song
I imagine the day was gray, the sun won't shine on days like this
I imagine the crowd was large, their shouts were loud as they raised their fists
On the day that the Son of God carried the cross to Golgotha
On the day that the Son of God gave His life for the likes of us
I can hear the hammer of the nails that pierced His hands and feet
And sometimes I forget that my sin drove those nails in deep
I can see the thief that hung on the cross that stood right by His side
I can hear when Jesus said, "Today you'll join me in paradise,
"Here is My Body, broken for you
Here is My Blood that was shed, shed for you too
Here is My Body, take and remember Me
Here is My Blood, the Cup of Forgiveness that will set you free"
I can see the soldier standing by the tomb that resurrection morn
But I cannot imagine the blinding glory of our risen Lord
He is not here, oh no, He is risen just as He said
Now go and spread the news of Jesus Christ who conquered death
"Here is My Body, broken for you
Here is My Blood that was shed, shed for you too
Here is My Body, take and remember Me
Here is My Blood, the Cup of Forgiveness that will set you free"
When I break the bread and drink the cup at the table of the Lord
I'm reminded of love's sacrifice, where the broken are restored, are restored
"Here is My Body, broken for you
Here is My Blood that was shed, shed for you too
Here is My Body, take and remember Me
Here is My Blood, the Cup of Forgiveness that will set you free"
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Try again
I think maybe I need to start blogging again. This could be good.
But it's late. Another night. :)
But it's late. Another night. :)
Monday, January 7, 2008
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I don't know about y'all (yes, I've been in Tennessee for a few weeks now) but I am sooooooo excited about 2008!
My resolutions:
1. I ask God to make me a woman of prayer. I commit to spending one hour each day in communion with Him.
2. I ask God to free me from my battles with money. I desire to understand and know with confidence how He wants me to use the money He puts at my disposal and be 100% obedient to His command.
3. I ask God to teach me to exercise self-control in my thoughts.
4. I ask God for boldness to speak up in 2008. I ask Him to speak His very own words from my mouth. I ask Him to help me draw boundaries and learn to say "no" when it is necessary.
5. I also commit to one hour per week of corporate prayer for God's mercy to fall on Penn's campus and the Philadelphia community as long as I am still living there.
What are you asking God for this year?
My resolutions:
1. I ask God to make me a woman of prayer. I commit to spending one hour each day in communion with Him.
2. I ask God to free me from my battles with money. I desire to understand and know with confidence how He wants me to use the money He puts at my disposal and be 100% obedient to His command.
3. I ask God to teach me to exercise self-control in my thoughts.
4. I ask God for boldness to speak up in 2008. I ask Him to speak His very own words from my mouth. I ask Him to help me draw boundaries and learn to say "no" when it is necessary.
5. I also commit to one hour per week of corporate prayer for God's mercy to fall on Penn's campus and the Philadelphia community as long as I am still living there.
What are you asking God for this year?
Friday, December 7, 2007
Almost Christmas
Well, somehow November turned into December, and there are about 10 days left before I head home for Christmas, and... wow! Time has really flown by.
Life is pretty stressful right now with the semester ending - all those papers I put off till now, all those other papers I just now got to write, and a couple finals to study (i.e. catch up on the reading!) for... It's a lot. But somehow - at least so far - it's not been that bad. I really feel that God is helping me learn to tackle work ONE STEP AT A TIME. Stück für Stück! And that is very encouraging. I'm also experiencing the cool realization of how much I've actually learned. When you don't have quizzes or tests every week, it's easy to lose track of what you've learned and spend a semester thinking you've just read some stuff and shown up for class but haven't actually gotten anything out of it. The trick is just to pack all that acquired knowledge into my essays, or into my *BRAIN* for finals!
Since it's the end of the year, I'm thinking back to the new year's resolutions I made a year ago. Some of them have actually come true! Like, laugh if you want, but I finally quit biting my finger nails! I was hesitant to bother asking God for little stuff too, but my pastor encouraged to entrust Him with anything and everything, and He pulled through! For those who don't know, I've been trying to quit biting my nails basically my whole life. I've quit now for longer than I've ever quit before - about 6 months! I also asked God to help me learn to manage my time better, and while I've by no means mastered this, I definitely see improvement!
I probably should get back to work now. :) Happy Holidays everyone!!!
Life is pretty stressful right now with the semester ending - all those papers I put off till now, all those other papers I just now got to write, and a couple finals to study (i.e. catch up on the reading!) for... It's a lot. But somehow - at least so far - it's not been that bad. I really feel that God is helping me learn to tackle work ONE STEP AT A TIME. Stück für Stück! And that is very encouraging. I'm also experiencing the cool realization of how much I've actually learned. When you don't have quizzes or tests every week, it's easy to lose track of what you've learned and spend a semester thinking you've just read some stuff and shown up for class but haven't actually gotten anything out of it. The trick is just to pack all that acquired knowledge into my essays, or into my *BRAIN* for finals!
Since it's the end of the year, I'm thinking back to the new year's resolutions I made a year ago. Some of them have actually come true! Like, laugh if you want, but I finally quit biting my finger nails! I was hesitant to bother asking God for little stuff too, but my pastor encouraged to entrust Him with anything and everything, and He pulled through! For those who don't know, I've been trying to quit biting my nails basically my whole life. I've quit now for longer than I've ever quit before - about 6 months! I also asked God to help me learn to manage my time better, and while I've by no means mastered this, I definitely see improvement!
I probably should get back to work now. :) Happy Holidays everyone!!!
Thursday, November 1, 2007
How the heck did it get to be November?!? and Culture Shock-ish-ness: Part Two
Whoa, so time is going by fast, and occasionally I fear that it's leaving me behind... Doesn't it realize I'm really not very athletic and can't run that fast? Or more importantly, that I can't run fast for long?
So despite life feeling like a marathon at times, I'm good. Life is good. A little weird, a little confusing, and sometimes a bit complicated, but good.
I have an insane amount of stuff to report on, but I'm gonna try to stick to the highlights. Let's start with New Orleans! That was one of the funnest trips I've ever been on. There were 8 of us who went, and it was such a fun, awesome group of people, and you get really tight when you spend 5 days straight with 8 people. There were so many laughs and good times and amazing conversations... wow. Not to mention experiencing post-Katrina New Orleans. It was extremely interesting to see how the city is rebuilding itself. It's tough to hear that a lot of people don't really want to move back - many people who never had the means to leave New Orleans before have now landed elsewhere and seen that they could live better there - but those that do have so much courage. Talking to the homeowners was amazing because despite all that they've been through, they still stand strong, and they're rebuilding their homes and picking themselves up again. One of the homeowners showed us pictures before and after the hurricane, and I tried to imagine that happening to my house, but I can't. And these people have realized that all the material possessions in this world don't really amount to much - you can have them taken away completely and still be happy. A lot of people are just so thankful to still have their loved ones safe and sound that everything else doesn't matter so much.
So that was New Orleans! The weekend after that, Mom came to visit me, which was of course super fun. We didn't really do a whole whole lot, just hung out together and had some nice meals. :) And we saw a cool new movie called Across the Universe. It's a movie about the 60's, and it's actually a musical of sorts, but all the music is by the Beatles. Verrrrry interesting, I definitely recommend it.
Other than those two fun weekends, there hasn't been a whole lot to report on that's out of the ordinary - school, more school... I do have a choir concert coming up, and I'm excited about that. The music is really coming together and some of it is just really amazing. Actually it's all pretty amazing, but I especially like certain pieces.
I guess most of what's been going on is in my head. The "reverse culture shock" has turned into something completely different and unlike what I expected; in fact it no longer has much to do with the Germany-America comparison. It's like being somewhere else for a year somehow became a catalyst for all sorts of "reactions" - new thoughts and feelings that kinda showed up out of the blue. Basically - I am becoming extremely sensitive to the social injustices of this world. I gotta admit, right now it's kind of frustrating, because I'm becoming more and more aware of the problems, but solutions seem so far out of reach. But I really feel convicted to do something about it.
I guess it's always seemed a little strange to me to live on an Ivy League campus surrounded by very low-income families and more homeless people than I'd ever met in my life prior to coming to Penn. It challenges me more and more each day to constantly ask myself what the ultimate goal of my studies is. What good is an Ivy League education if I can't feed someone who's starving nextdoor? What good are my aspirations if they do not help others to be able to have aspirations at all?
God is really penetrating every aspect of my life with this. I can't shop without a conscience any more - I have to think about who made that shirt and the conditions under which they did it. I can't have a cup of coffee without wondering if the farmer who grew it was paid fairly for it. And I can't walk past Wawa anymore without looking to see if someone is sitting outside in need of a meal.
I honestly have no explanation for it other than God Himself. Trust me, I would never come up with this. I like coffee! And although I'm a lame shopper, I like clothes too! And talking to homeless people can be awkward. But now that my eyes have been opened to injustices, I can't walk past them, buy them, wear them... Something isn't right. And I really feel like I cannot profess to be a Christian and ignore Jesus' teaching on social justice.
I got a couple cool books from Amazon that I'm excited to read and hopefully get some ideas from. One is called Rich Christians in an Age of Hunger by Ronald J. Sider. The other is called God's Politics by Jim Wallis. That one was mentioned in another book I've now read for the second time that has been a major catalyst for all of these thoughts: The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claibourne. In it, he challenges a lot of the assumptions Christians in America make everyday that are not necessarily biblical, things like the idea that being a Christian means voting Republican, and that tithes and offerings are meant for the church, not for the church to give away to the poor. I highly recommend the book - even to those who may not call themselves Christians. For one thing, it makes a suggestion for what Christianity is really supposed to look like; for another, it gives us a vision for a better world.
So obviously this isn't the usual type of blog I write, so I hope it didn't throw anyone for too much of a loop. I guess I just felt I had to share what's been on my mind, since it's been on my mind a lot. I do not write this to judge others; for one, I myself am as guilty of perpetuating many injustices in this world as anyone else, plus I also didn't come up with this stuff on my own - God put it on my heart, and if He wants to, He will put it on the hearts of others too. I don't know what will ultimately come out of all this, but I can't help but think it will not be small or short-term.
And that's my update on life! Till next time...
So despite life feeling like a marathon at times, I'm good. Life is good. A little weird, a little confusing, and sometimes a bit complicated, but good.
I have an insane amount of stuff to report on, but I'm gonna try to stick to the highlights. Let's start with New Orleans! That was one of the funnest trips I've ever been on. There were 8 of us who went, and it was such a fun, awesome group of people, and you get really tight when you spend 5 days straight with 8 people. There were so many laughs and good times and amazing conversations... wow. Not to mention experiencing post-Katrina New Orleans. It was extremely interesting to see how the city is rebuilding itself. It's tough to hear that a lot of people don't really want to move back - many people who never had the means to leave New Orleans before have now landed elsewhere and seen that they could live better there - but those that do have so much courage. Talking to the homeowners was amazing because despite all that they've been through, they still stand strong, and they're rebuilding their homes and picking themselves up again. One of the homeowners showed us pictures before and after the hurricane, and I tried to imagine that happening to my house, but I can't. And these people have realized that all the material possessions in this world don't really amount to much - you can have them taken away completely and still be happy. A lot of people are just so thankful to still have their loved ones safe and sound that everything else doesn't matter so much.
So that was New Orleans! The weekend after that, Mom came to visit me, which was of course super fun. We didn't really do a whole whole lot, just hung out together and had some nice meals. :) And we saw a cool new movie called Across the Universe. It's a movie about the 60's, and it's actually a musical of sorts, but all the music is by the Beatles. Verrrrry interesting, I definitely recommend it.
Other than those two fun weekends, there hasn't been a whole lot to report on that's out of the ordinary - school, more school... I do have a choir concert coming up, and I'm excited about that. The music is really coming together and some of it is just really amazing. Actually it's all pretty amazing, but I especially like certain pieces.
I guess most of what's been going on is in my head. The "reverse culture shock" has turned into something completely different and unlike what I expected; in fact it no longer has much to do with the Germany-America comparison. It's like being somewhere else for a year somehow became a catalyst for all sorts of "reactions" - new thoughts and feelings that kinda showed up out of the blue. Basically - I am becoming extremely sensitive to the social injustices of this world. I gotta admit, right now it's kind of frustrating, because I'm becoming more and more aware of the problems, but solutions seem so far out of reach. But I really feel convicted to do something about it.
I guess it's always seemed a little strange to me to live on an Ivy League campus surrounded by very low-income families and more homeless people than I'd ever met in my life prior to coming to Penn. It challenges me more and more each day to constantly ask myself what the ultimate goal of my studies is. What good is an Ivy League education if I can't feed someone who's starving nextdoor? What good are my aspirations if they do not help others to be able to have aspirations at all?
God is really penetrating every aspect of my life with this. I can't shop without a conscience any more - I have to think about who made that shirt and the conditions under which they did it. I can't have a cup of coffee without wondering if the farmer who grew it was paid fairly for it. And I can't walk past Wawa anymore without looking to see if someone is sitting outside in need of a meal.
I honestly have no explanation for it other than God Himself. Trust me, I would never come up with this. I like coffee! And although I'm a lame shopper, I like clothes too! And talking to homeless people can be awkward. But now that my eyes have been opened to injustices, I can't walk past them, buy them, wear them... Something isn't right. And I really feel like I cannot profess to be a Christian and ignore Jesus' teaching on social justice.
I got a couple cool books from Amazon that I'm excited to read and hopefully get some ideas from. One is called Rich Christians in an Age of Hunger by Ronald J. Sider. The other is called God's Politics by Jim Wallis. That one was mentioned in another book I've now read for the second time that has been a major catalyst for all of these thoughts: The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claibourne. In it, he challenges a lot of the assumptions Christians in America make everyday that are not necessarily biblical, things like the idea that being a Christian means voting Republican, and that tithes and offerings are meant for the church, not for the church to give away to the poor. I highly recommend the book - even to those who may not call themselves Christians. For one thing, it makes a suggestion for what Christianity is really supposed to look like; for another, it gives us a vision for a better world.
So obviously this isn't the usual type of blog I write, so I hope it didn't throw anyone for too much of a loop. I guess I just felt I had to share what's been on my mind, since it's been on my mind a lot. I do not write this to judge others; for one, I myself am as guilty of perpetuating many injustices in this world as anyone else, plus I also didn't come up with this stuff on my own - God put it on my heart, and if He wants to, He will put it on the hearts of others too. I don't know what will ultimately come out of all this, but I can't help but think it will not be small or short-term.
And that's my update on life! Till next time...
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Monday, October 8, 2007
The Windy City and my weekend-traveling marathon
Howdy folks!
I admit, I have been a lame-O blogger lately, but here's an attempt at catching up.
Last weekend (as in Sept. 28-Oct. 1) I went to Chicago and it was pretty awesome. Here's the play-by-play:
Friday afternoon: Arrived in Chi-town and was greeted at the airport by my super cool bro. He took me to his place via subway, chatting the whole way there about his classes, particularly his "sight-screaming" (sight-singing) class which he had a test in that day, and just being his usual funny and entertaining self. He took me to his absolutely absurd dorm - guys, this is like luxury housing, I'm not even kidding, I think his kitchen and living area is the size of my entire dorm - and we chilled for a bit. Then we went out for Chicago-style stuffed pizza and Edwardo's, which was close by, and after a bit of deliberation we paid for it with Mom and Dad's credit card, since we figured if they were there, they would pay for it... (great reasoning, yes?) After that he showed me around downtown a bit - we saw his favorite jazz record store, which is incredible and clearly heaven-on-earth for jazz fans, visited a couple random bookstores, and walked up and down Michigan Avenue a bit on the Magnificent Mile. Didn't do any shopping, just walked around and saw the big water tower. After that we came home to, of course, watch a movie, since my brother now owns like a thousand movies. We watched The Terminal with Tom Hanks, which was really really good, and also watched Copying Beethoven but I fell asleep during that one.
Saturday - Woke up early-ish to meet up with Timo - my pastor from Berlin - to hang out with him for the day. Timo and Manu came to the States for their undergraduate degrees and studied at Moody Bible Institute in Chicago, so the church in Berlin has lots of partner churches in the Chicago area (and also in Minnesota, where they did an internship), and thus he came to the U.S. for about 10 days to visit those churches and reconnect with some people. And I was lucky to be one of those people! We went down to Navy Pier, hoping to find a place to eat breakfast, but we were out of luck on that, so we just ate some chocolate in the car on the way out to the 'burbs to visit friends of his from Moody who had invited us for lunch. After hanging out there for awhile, we decided we wanted to visit Willow Creek Community Church - a rather famous mega-church also in the 'burbs - to hear Bill Hybels - a pastor and pretty well-known Christian author - preach. We had a couple hours to kill though, so on the way we stopped at Kohl's because Timo accidentally left his dress shoes in Berlin and didn't really want to preach in his tennis shoes. Then we headed to the church and got there early enough to look around a bit and chat with a friendly lady in the "welcome center". Visiting Willow Creek was a very interesting experience. I honestly don't know if I could ever go to a place like that - it's soooooooooooooooo big and sooooooooooooooooo nice - but it's also really cool how much influence the church has had and how many people they've been able to reach. Also, when you have that many people in your church, you can build up tons of ministries and have jillions of pastors. I think there's probably a pastor for every age-group - kids, junior high, senior high, college, young singles, married couples, seniors... Yeah. The service was interesting; some things we liked about it, some things we weren't crazy about. The sermon was pretty good though, and I thought Bill Hybels was a great speaker. We were pretty hungry after that, so we went to eat at the famous Ed Debevic's, a 50's-style diner where the servers are comically rude. It sounds weird, but it's really quite entertaining. We enjoyed ourselves. And then it was time to head home and hit the hay. Back at Jim's place I kinda just chilled before passing out on his couch.
Sunday - Up early again for church with Timo. First we visited the church he went to while he studied at Moody, then we jetted out to another church nearby where he had been asked to preach. He interviewed me in his sermon too, which was cool. Afterwards we were invited to lunch and met some cool people. Then he drove me back into the city, with a stop at the museum campus to enjoy the beautiful view of the city and the lake. From Jim's place I then dashed off to the U. of Chicago campus to visit my friend Elizabeth who was in Berlin with me, and I hung out with her for a few hours and had dinner with her and her boyfriend. Then I went back to Jim's to hang with him a bit more, and again passed out pretty early. My flight was first thing Monday morning.
All in all, it was an awesome weekend, but it went by way too fast! It was really great and very encouraging to see and spend time with Timo - I got the full update on everything happening at the church in Berlin, which is really exciting, and had time to just talk and hang out with a great mentor. The biggest disappointment of the weekend was not getting to hang out with my brother as much as I would've liked, but I'm hoping I'll get to do that again soon; he's gonna be in Chicago for 4 more years at least.
Other than the big trip, life has been good but crazy. School is so much work, and some of it is more exciting than the rest... I had my Fulbright interview today and that went well - keep your fingers crossed for me! This past weekend was the Campus Crusade retreat, which was good, and then this coming weekend I am going to New Orleans with Crusade people. I am excited but also a bit nervous about that.
That's pretty much it... Heh that was a lot, actually. Love to all!
I admit, I have been a lame-O blogger lately, but here's an attempt at catching up.
Last weekend (as in Sept. 28-Oct. 1) I went to Chicago and it was pretty awesome. Here's the play-by-play:
Friday afternoon: Arrived in Chi-town and was greeted at the airport by my super cool bro. He took me to his place via subway, chatting the whole way there about his classes, particularly his "sight-screaming" (sight-singing) class which he had a test in that day, and just being his usual funny and entertaining self. He took me to his absolutely absurd dorm - guys, this is like luxury housing, I'm not even kidding, I think his kitchen and living area is the size of my entire dorm - and we chilled for a bit. Then we went out for Chicago-style stuffed pizza and Edwardo's, which was close by, and after a bit of deliberation we paid for it with Mom and Dad's credit card, since we figured if they were there, they would pay for it... (great reasoning, yes?) After that he showed me around downtown a bit - we saw his favorite jazz record store, which is incredible and clearly heaven-on-earth for jazz fans, visited a couple random bookstores, and walked up and down Michigan Avenue a bit on the Magnificent Mile. Didn't do any shopping, just walked around and saw the big water tower. After that we came home to, of course, watch a movie, since my brother now owns like a thousand movies. We watched The Terminal with Tom Hanks, which was really really good, and also watched Copying Beethoven but I fell asleep during that one.
Saturday - Woke up early-ish to meet up with Timo - my pastor from Berlin - to hang out with him for the day. Timo and Manu came to the States for their undergraduate degrees and studied at Moody Bible Institute in Chicago, so the church in Berlin has lots of partner churches in the Chicago area (and also in Minnesota, where they did an internship), and thus he came to the U.S. for about 10 days to visit those churches and reconnect with some people. And I was lucky to be one of those people! We went down to Navy Pier, hoping to find a place to eat breakfast, but we were out of luck on that, so we just ate some chocolate in the car on the way out to the 'burbs to visit friends of his from Moody who had invited us for lunch. After hanging out there for awhile, we decided we wanted to visit Willow Creek Community Church - a rather famous mega-church also in the 'burbs - to hear Bill Hybels - a pastor and pretty well-known Christian author - preach. We had a couple hours to kill though, so on the way we stopped at Kohl's because Timo accidentally left his dress shoes in Berlin and didn't really want to preach in his tennis shoes. Then we headed to the church and got there early enough to look around a bit and chat with a friendly lady in the "welcome center". Visiting Willow Creek was a very interesting experience. I honestly don't know if I could ever go to a place like that - it's soooooooooooooooo big and sooooooooooooooooo nice - but it's also really cool how much influence the church has had and how many people they've been able to reach. Also, when you have that many people in your church, you can build up tons of ministries and have jillions of pastors. I think there's probably a pastor for every age-group - kids, junior high, senior high, college, young singles, married couples, seniors... Yeah. The service was interesting; some things we liked about it, some things we weren't crazy about. The sermon was pretty good though, and I thought Bill Hybels was a great speaker. We were pretty hungry after that, so we went to eat at the famous Ed Debevic's, a 50's-style diner where the servers are comically rude. It sounds weird, but it's really quite entertaining. We enjoyed ourselves. And then it was time to head home and hit the hay. Back at Jim's place I kinda just chilled before passing out on his couch.
Sunday - Up early again for church with Timo. First we visited the church he went to while he studied at Moody, then we jetted out to another church nearby where he had been asked to preach. He interviewed me in his sermon too, which was cool. Afterwards we were invited to lunch and met some cool people. Then he drove me back into the city, with a stop at the museum campus to enjoy the beautiful view of the city and the lake. From Jim's place I then dashed off to the U. of Chicago campus to visit my friend Elizabeth who was in Berlin with me, and I hung out with her for a few hours and had dinner with her and her boyfriend. Then I went back to Jim's to hang with him a bit more, and again passed out pretty early. My flight was first thing Monday morning.
All in all, it was an awesome weekend, but it went by way too fast! It was really great and very encouraging to see and spend time with Timo - I got the full update on everything happening at the church in Berlin, which is really exciting, and had time to just talk and hang out with a great mentor. The biggest disappointment of the weekend was not getting to hang out with my brother as much as I would've liked, but I'm hoping I'll get to do that again soon; he's gonna be in Chicago for 4 more years at least.
Other than the big trip, life has been good but crazy. School is so much work, and some of it is more exciting than the rest... I had my Fulbright interview today and that went well - keep your fingers crossed for me! This past weekend was the Campus Crusade retreat, which was good, and then this coming weekend I am going to New Orleans with Crusade people. I am excited but also a bit nervous about that.
That's pretty much it... Heh that was a lot, actually. Love to all!
Monday, September 24, 2007
Culture Shock-ish-ness: Part One
So I haven't been a good blogger lately. Main reason? Penn is HARD! I never really realized before how much multi-tasking American university life - especially Penn university life - requires of young'uns. I don't feel like such a young'un anymore. This stuff is crazy exhausting!
To give a better idea of where I'm coming home: A typical week for me in Germany looked something like this: I had class 3 days a week, usually only 1.5 hours of it each day (3 MAX!!), put in a few hours at my internship Mondays and Fridays, and spent the rest of my time doing readings for class, doing church stuff, or riding the subway. Or eating or sleeping. Of course, life got stressful then too. But let's compare mere quantity of activities. In Germany, there were 4 classes (less than 10 hours of classroom time), Bible study, church on Sunday, and either choir or voice lessons. Here? 5 classes (granted, by choice, but it's twice the amount of classroom time and at least 4 times the homework), Bible study, planning for said Bible study with the other group co-leaders, Campus Crusade, choir, church on Sunday, internship on Saturday, and more social gatherings - which, granted, are not required, but I don't want people to think I'm completely asocial - than I keep track of. And then there are things like Fulbright applications and hunting down random unhelpful people who have to approve the courses I took in Berlin so they will actually appear on my transcript and other annoying bureaucratic things... It feels like I'm running a marathon. And for the record, I can't run!
I always knew that Penn was full of super intense over-achievers, but man...
The good news: everything I'm doing (except the bureaucratic stuff and some of the homework) is fun. The bad news: everything I'm doing (except ditto) is fun. Which means I don't want to drop anything! I could easily drop a course and have no problems getting all the credits I need. But I don't want to drop any of my courses! And I'm actually doing less stuff than I did sophomore year, but I guess back then I was still a "spring chicken" and somehow was able to handle it...
To give a better idea of where I'm coming home: A typical week for me in Germany looked something like this: I had class 3 days a week, usually only 1.5 hours of it each day (3 MAX!!), put in a few hours at my internship Mondays and Fridays, and spent the rest of my time doing readings for class, doing church stuff, or riding the subway. Or eating or sleeping. Of course, life got stressful then too. But let's compare mere quantity of activities. In Germany, there were 4 classes (less than 10 hours of classroom time), Bible study, church on Sunday, and either choir or voice lessons. Here? 5 classes (granted, by choice, but it's twice the amount of classroom time and at least 4 times the homework), Bible study, planning for said Bible study with the other group co-leaders, Campus Crusade, choir, church on Sunday, internship on Saturday, and more social gatherings - which, granted, are not required, but I don't want people to think I'm completely asocial - than I keep track of. And then there are things like Fulbright applications and hunting down random unhelpful people who have to approve the courses I took in Berlin so they will actually appear on my transcript and other annoying bureaucratic things... It feels like I'm running a marathon. And for the record, I can't run!
I always knew that Penn was full of super intense over-achievers, but man...
The good news: everything I'm doing (except the bureaucratic stuff and some of the homework) is fun. The bad news: everything I'm doing (except ditto) is fun. Which means I don't want to drop anything! I could easily drop a course and have no problems getting all the credits I need. But I don't want to drop any of my courses! And I'm actually doing less stuff than I did sophomore year, but I guess back then I was still a "spring chicken" and somehow was able to handle it...
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
Back at Penn: Weird, but cool
So I'm back now, and finally starting to actually feel like I'm back. It took a few days, and took finally seeing people I knew and not just running around with Mom and Dad trying to get settled and get everything I needed.
So Thursday I moved in. It went pretty smoothly. Friday morning I had coffee with Karolin, my German teacher from sophomore year at Penn who now teaches at Cambridge that I visited in her hometown of Lübeck during my year in Berlin. (That was a complicated explanation!) That was really fun. Karolin is cool and we got to speak German and talk about all the things about America that seem weird to us.
Then I met up with my parents and we ran around getting stuff for my room. I took them to Ikea for the first time, which was fun but took awhile! After a long day of shopping and a nice dinner, I spent the night in the hotel with them so we could sleep in the next day before heading off to Maryland for my grandparents' big 60th wedding anniversary party.
That was quite fun. Saturday was pretty chill; we just hung out a bit, had dinner at their "dining hall" and then presented them with the incredible quilt that my cousin Emily made (though we all had a small part in it! - we each made a square). They loved it. We let Grandma and Grandpa get to bed early, but the rest of us (minus Ann and Jim) hung out at the guest house where everyone else was staying. It was quite fun, especially the part where Emily and I realized that we both sneeze like crazy when we pluck our eyebrows. We suspect that it could be hereditary, but we haven't figured out who we inherited it from. Probably the best line of the night though was my dad's: "I get the hiccups when I clip my toenails!" That's what happens when too many Lordemans hang out in the same room for too long...
Sunday was the big day. In the early afternoon was a reception which they had invited all their friends too, and that was fun. Then there was a brief break in the action before a fancy dinner at their favorite restaurant, Normany Farms. After dinner was more chatting at the guest house, though this time many of us were much more tired, so less hilarity ensued.
Monday morning my aunt Jane graciously drove me to the D.C. metro stop nearby so I could take a train from D.C. back to Philly. I arrived a little before noon and had time to chill before the Campus Crusade meeting at 1.
Between that and a cookout tonight, I've been reunited with tons of friends and met lots of the sophomores (whom I of course hadn't met yet because I was gone last year when they were freshmen). There are some cool new people! Good times. In addition to that, me and Shannon have been goofing off together like we always do, so Penn is starting to feel more comfortable and normal and fun. When I first got here, it was mega weird; it was like having been in a time warp or something. You don't often go somewhere for a few years, then leave it for a year, and then go back. Usually when you leave, it's either for a much shorter time (like the summer) or for good. But I'm adjusting now.
Classes start tomorrow. I hope they will be good. I also have to meet with lots of advisors to figure out how to get my credits from Berlin transfered and to apply for Fulbright and to line up an internship and yada yada yada...
That's what's new!
So Thursday I moved in. It went pretty smoothly. Friday morning I had coffee with Karolin, my German teacher from sophomore year at Penn who now teaches at Cambridge that I visited in her hometown of Lübeck during my year in Berlin. (That was a complicated explanation!) That was really fun. Karolin is cool and we got to speak German and talk about all the things about America that seem weird to us.
Then I met up with my parents and we ran around getting stuff for my room. I took them to Ikea for the first time, which was fun but took awhile! After a long day of shopping and a nice dinner, I spent the night in the hotel with them so we could sleep in the next day before heading off to Maryland for my grandparents' big 60th wedding anniversary party.
That was quite fun. Saturday was pretty chill; we just hung out a bit, had dinner at their "dining hall" and then presented them with the incredible quilt that my cousin Emily made (though we all had a small part in it! - we each made a square). They loved it. We let Grandma and Grandpa get to bed early, but the rest of us (minus Ann and Jim) hung out at the guest house where everyone else was staying. It was quite fun, especially the part where Emily and I realized that we both sneeze like crazy when we pluck our eyebrows. We suspect that it could be hereditary, but we haven't figured out who we inherited it from. Probably the best line of the night though was my dad's: "I get the hiccups when I clip my toenails!" That's what happens when too many Lordemans hang out in the same room for too long...
Sunday was the big day. In the early afternoon was a reception which they had invited all their friends too, and that was fun. Then there was a brief break in the action before a fancy dinner at their favorite restaurant, Normany Farms. After dinner was more chatting at the guest house, though this time many of us were much more tired, so less hilarity ensued.
Monday morning my aunt Jane graciously drove me to the D.C. metro stop nearby so I could take a train from D.C. back to Philly. I arrived a little before noon and had time to chill before the Campus Crusade meeting at 1.
Between that and a cookout tonight, I've been reunited with tons of friends and met lots of the sophomores (whom I of course hadn't met yet because I was gone last year when they were freshmen). There are some cool new people! Good times. In addition to that, me and Shannon have been goofing off together like we always do, so Penn is starting to feel more comfortable and normal and fun. When I first got here, it was mega weird; it was like having been in a time warp or something. You don't often go somewhere for a few years, then leave it for a year, and then go back. Usually when you leave, it's either for a much shorter time (like the summer) or for good. But I'm adjusting now.
Classes start tomorrow. I hope they will be good. I also have to meet with lots of advisors to figure out how to get my credits from Berlin transfered and to apply for Fulbright and to line up an internship and yada yada yada...
That's what's new!
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
A cruel aspect of the life of a college student who goes to school too far away to drive there
BOOKS. These college people entice you to come to their institution to learn all these great things, and what do you accumulate? Books! Lots and lots of books. Books you want to keep. But what the heck are you supposed to do with them? There is only so much room on my shelves at home, and only so much weight I can carry in a checked suitcase. Some days I would give anything to get to live in ONE place for more than one year. But there are most likely many years of being a nomad yet to come. Sigh...
In other news: I had fun shadowing "Frau" Sherman at the high school. She has some really good German students! Her classes are really fun. That was encouraging to see.
I spent the afternoon and evening yesterday (as in Sunday) with Amy Thomas. It's so cool how we can go months without seeing each other and then when we see each other again, nothing's changed between us. We still ramble all night long and never run out of things to talk about. I'm excited to see where God takes her next year.
Now all that's leftis packing, packing and more packing. Thursday morning we're off to Philly... I'm ready. I'm starting to feel Brentwood-ed out. I love the people but I can't stay in this place too long.
In other news: I had fun shadowing "Frau" Sherman at the high school. She has some really good German students! Her classes are really fun. That was encouraging to see.
I spent the afternoon and evening yesterday (as in Sunday) with Amy Thomas. It's so cool how we can go months without seeing each other and then when we see each other again, nothing's changed between us. We still ramble all night long and never run out of things to talk about. I'm excited to see where God takes her next year.
Now all that's leftis packing, packing and more packing. Thursday morning we're off to Philly... I'm ready. I'm starting to feel Brentwood-ed out. I love the people but I can't stay in this place too long.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Random coolness
So I got this email the other day from a guy at Penn - I think he is/was a graduate/PhD student - saying that he founded a new chamber choir in Philadelphia and wanted to invite me to be in it. He said he remembered hearing me at a Baroque ensemble concert two years ago and wanted to invite me to join the choir last year but was told I was in Germany. He said they're having auditions this weekend, but he'd waive that for me since he's already heard me sing. So... I'm in. Cool, eh? And I was struggling to decide what sort of ensemble to join back at Penn this year... looks like the decision was made for me! I like when things work out that way.
In other news, I have been shadowing the German teacher at Brentwood High last week and this week, and it's pretty fun. I've been learning some cool stuff, and it's helpful to go back and put myself in the shoes of kids just starting to learn German. I might have an internship at Penn this year assistant teaching at a small German school just outside of Philly, so I figured it'd be good (and just plain interesting) to do a little observing first.
And of course the biggest news is that my brother is now off to college! He left yesterday, and move-in was today. I can't believe it, my little baby brother... all grown up... heh well sorta... :)
In other news, I have been shadowing the German teacher at Brentwood High last week and this week, and it's pretty fun. I've been learning some cool stuff, and it's helpful to go back and put myself in the shoes of kids just starting to learn German. I might have an internship at Penn this year assistant teaching at a small German school just outside of Philly, so I figured it'd be good (and just plain interesting) to do a little observing first.
And of course the biggest news is that my brother is now off to college! He left yesterday, and move-in was today. I can't believe it, my little baby brother... all grown up... heh well sorta... :)
Sunday, August 12, 2007
Welcome to my new blog!
Hello blog-readers! Now that I'm back from Berlin, I decided to make a new blog. I will continue to write random updates, stories, thoughts, etc. just like before, only they won't just be about Berlin all the time. :)
In a few weeks I will be heading back to the University of Pennsylvania to start my senior year and finish up my BA so I can go back to Germany. :) I'm excited about it though. It will be fun to be back on campus, living with my favorite roomie Shannon, making late-night Wawa runs and doing other fun Penn things. (For those who don't know, Wawa is a sort of convenience store/deli chain throughout Pennsylvania, Jersey, Delaware, etc. and it rocks my world.)
Until then, I have a few more weeks in hot, humid but lovely Brentwood, Tennessee. Somewhere in there I also have to unpack and repack, which I am not looking forward to...
Add this blog address to your favorites in place of my Berlin one: www.stinalo.blogspot.com.
Love to all,
Christina
In a few weeks I will be heading back to the University of Pennsylvania to start my senior year and finish up my BA so I can go back to Germany. :) I'm excited about it though. It will be fun to be back on campus, living with my favorite roomie Shannon, making late-night Wawa runs and doing other fun Penn things. (For those who don't know, Wawa is a sort of convenience store/deli chain throughout Pennsylvania, Jersey, Delaware, etc. and it rocks my world.)
Until then, I have a few more weeks in hot, humid but lovely Brentwood, Tennessee. Somewhere in there I also have to unpack and repack, which I am not looking forward to...
Add this blog address to your favorites in place of my Berlin one: www.stinalo.blogspot.com.
Love to all,
Christina
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